Tuesday, 30 November 2010

louis walsh's main exports are bullshit, terrorism and watered down whiskey

konnie huq has degraded herself by doing the x-factor


Spirituality, as a term and concept conjures up clouded, soft coloured images of flowery clothed hippies capering around an auspicious, untamed meadow. Perhaps touching each other in a manner as affectionate as it is causeless. Stroking each other's effervescent, vacant faces with hands made of love and indifferent inquisition. This is a vision which lacks direction and meaning. On a subconscious level, you - as a human, have already detected this. You have filed this information and attached keywords such as listless, vague, nebulous and wank. "Listless hippies; what a load of nebulous wank" - you might say. Well fuck you. Why do you have to be such a downhearted, despondent, dispirited, hate mongering killjoy all the time? Cheer up you depressing sack of sorrow and shit. Spirituality is unbounded, it is absolute, it is what connects us to the hope we dream. It guides us through dark, leads us through aversion and shelters us from storms of hurt. Konnie Huq, popular British television presenter, delineates and illustrates the ongoing contention between spirituality, freedom and popular culture. Her fantastically seductive ways fascinate and enthrall the viewer. The way she sold her velvet lined, soft centered, chicken madras flavoured soul to present The X-Factor embodies the ugliest of all that is imperfect.

Fuck you Konnie Huq. Let your skin singe and smolder in hell as you pay for your pop sins. Then return from Satan's lair with your renewed creativity, unrivaled flair and freshly burnt skin like a devil flavoured crispy bacon sandwich. Oh Konnie, remember Blue Peter? I do. I remember that fine piece of booty, so free in spirit, preparing innovative and revolutionary contraptions before mine very eyes. "Here's one I prepared earlier" you'd say, that spectral glint in your bewitching eyes. You'd pull out a novel creation from under that blue counter of constitution and production, designed to inject both utility and fun into the viewers life - oh how you'd pull out that earlier-prepared gizmo. You'd pull it out so good. Now look at you; working with Dermot 'The Spawn of Satan' O'Leary and Simon Cowell, a man who acts as if he's constantly stuck in the first 2 minutes of a 33 minute porno. And then there's Louis Walsh. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Louis fucking Walsh. You, Louis fucking Walsh, are an impuissant, inadequate, bollocks deprived, testosterone deficient, spineless, nonessential waster. You're not funny. Your opinion is always wrong. Always. You don't even have the backbone to tell shit performers they're shit. If I was alone in a burning building with you, I'd stay in that building for an additional 30 seconds before escaping just so I could have the privacy and opportunity to beat you in your stupid fucking head. The cockeyed arrogance you display in exposing your futile personality to the world is quite frankly off the fucking charts. You are the reason, you are the cause, you are the toxic waste fueling pop culture. You are the consummate contrapositive of spirituality. Your soul is split. You are aimless and misguided. You are fake, your outright demeanor is repugnant and wretched.

Reclaim your soul Konnie. It's not too late, it's never too late. Unless you're Louis Walsh. Then it's always too late. Redemption is as beautiful as it is conciliating. Konnie Huq can currently be juxtaposed to a murderer. That's right, a stone cold, mindless, blood spilling killer. Sure, it's bad. It's definitely bad. Really bad, if anything. But, it's not too late - is it? No, no it isn't. Maybe Konnie murdered out of revenge, maybe the ravenous, animalistic murder was an accident. Who knows? Probably no-one; so to speculate would be wrong. The point is if she pulls something pretty fucking special out the bag, it's not too late for her. As a heartless, inhuman, remorseless executioner her pathway to redemption is narrow and stringent. Her first move must be without question to quit The X-Factor. Not just to quit, but to quit ruthlessly. An act of absolution is required here. She must jump kick a microphone through Louis Walsh's throat with the furious intensity of a thousand horses and then devour the corpse on live TV. Step 2 is crucial if she is to win back the hearts of her fans and the innocence of her soul. Following her violent reprieving act she must stand forth before all, stripped to the flesh, unashamed and she must proclaim in a deranged, war like scream "KONNIE HUQ HATH RETURNED! AS SURE AS MY BLOOD RUNS RED AND MY EYES SEE CLEAR, RELEASE MINE SOUL TO FREEDOM!" As her soul is restored in a blinding, supernal flash of light, she must initiate the 3rd step. To look into the camera lens with those resplendent, glistening eyes and remark, "this soul may not be perfect, but here's one I prepared earlier." The 4th and final step will be to tender a single, flirtatious wink before dancing on the spot, for all eternity. Welcome to freedom Konnie. You've earned it.

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