Friday 26 November 2010

perspective is to the wiseman what olive oil is to jamie oliver

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth

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Oh hey there Willow Smith! It's such an honour and a privilege to finally meet you! How are you? Oh great, yeah no I've been good thanks - I'm pretty tired because I've been working quite hard to save up money, I've got a wicked weekend ahead though so plenty to look forward to! Yeah I've heard it on the radio! I think I heard it 4 times on the radio today alone! You must be so thrilled... yeah... well it's great, it's perfectly fine, it's fantastic - I've got a suggestion perhaps for your next song if you really want to hear? Of course... it's so great that you care what the fans think! I just felt that instead of singing the same line over and over, to combat sounding repetitive, what you maybe could have done is SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Willow Smith was born on October 31st 2000. That, at the time of this blog makes her 10 years old. TEN years old. I get it Willow, I really do. You're saying you whip your hair back and forth. It's like letting your hair down, right? Having fun? Sure. Great. What isn't right is that you're trying to be SEXY aren't you? You're 10 and you're implying that you're a party animal. A sexy party animal. A sexy party animal that party's sexually and everything you do is sexual and sexy and seduces everything and everyone around you because you're so sexy. You and everything you represent sickens me to my cold, cynical, judgmental and currently repulsed core. When I was 10 I wasn't trying to be sexy, I didn't know how and I didn't pretend to know how. I was far too busy collecting Pogs and obsessing over what selection of Pokemon I'd have face the Elite 4. Globally, the human race is constantly united in fighting against Paedophilia. Children such as yourselves, Willow, that are trying to be sexy and seductive are not helping. You're undermining the good fight. You're ripping the great and good of human nature fragile limb from fragile limb. You're a paedophiliac cocktease and a terrorist. STOP it. Just stop it. Also, why whip your hair back and forth? That's so unnecessarily aggressive. Why can't you just have gentle, pallid fun? Why must you inject fear and danger into your fun having? All people want is to have a good time and you're ruining it for everyone. It's like playing Connect 4 with Atilla the Hun. It starts out innocent and righteous, things get playful, the wrong thing gets said and all of a sudden you've got a spear through your left lung.

A message for your brother and a moral for the pair of you. Jaden; you need to become cool again. Sharpish. Let's get the blindingly obvious out the way first and foremost, you have the single coolest Dad in the world. If you took a random poll asking people who their ideal coolest Dad would be, 78% would answer Will Smith. Not only is this an overwhelming majority, but it's also the same as the amount of nitrogen in the air we breathe. Nitrogen is cool. Coincidence? Shut the fuck up Jaden, I don't want your opinion. You need to grow up, you need to mature, you need to gain perspective of yourselves and the world around you before you attempt to follow in your parents footsteps. Or carry on the way you are, sell out. You'll excuse it as just 'having fun and experiencing life, journeying down avenues that so happen to be open to you.' More accurately, your Dad will excuse it as that, because he's that fucking awesome that he'll defend you no matter how much of a cretin you are. Have some class, some dignity - grow up, physically and mentally then show the world your beautifully crafted and talented Smith genes.

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